Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
