I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
