Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize