capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
