pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
