you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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