I just saw a hot homeless man
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
