sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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