They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
