my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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