shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
