I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel great
I just peed on a car
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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