I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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