nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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