He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
