I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
