Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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