Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
