I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
