So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
