Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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