I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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