I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
