All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
