Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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