Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
