You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
