Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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