I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
