I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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