i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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