i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
