I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
