I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
