none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I CAN MOONWALK!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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