Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
