I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
