I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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