Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
