i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
