There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You did what with his pubic hair?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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