My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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