The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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