Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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