pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
