My balls are so social today.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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