Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
