When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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