I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
