My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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