I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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