I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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