I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize