I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize