Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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