I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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