All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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