I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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