I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
